Carpe Diem Baby

Summer is passing on pretty well... 

I'm going to Büyükada on weekends to spend some time with friends and in other days I'm here in my home at Gayrettepe; reading magazines and books, watching Grey's Anatomy, thinking, sleeping and just being lazy...

Officially I'm in my last month of freedom. Later, I'll be under the stress of that senseless and disgusting exam(s). It's a big opportunity for me to shape the rest of my life in the way I want. But I guess, it's so much stress and responsibility for me. I'm scared of failure (Ok, just forget these things right now!)

I'm having great time & I'm happy :) That's the only thing matters... 

In these days, I want to scream out loud and say "Sieze the day!" ; cause some people don't.

You!

Yes, you! 

Don't think that much about what's going to happen and live for today.

You're just being chicken.

 But the carousel never stops turning...
You can't get off.

Sunrise, Sunset

It's cloudy outside and I'm the stupid one for staying awake whole night just to see the sunrise.
Sun will never show it's face. It's hiding underneath the dark gray, heavy clouds. And it's going to rain all day.
So you think I'm a little pessimist today? Yes I am.
Cause I'm stupid enough for waiting to see the sun on a cloudy day.
I guess my heart should also do some hiding. Where I can find some dark gray clouds?

Sunrise sunset, sunrise, sunset!

Swiftly fly the years,

One season following another,

Laden with happiness and tears . . .

Meredith spoke for me today

" We have to sweep today’s possibility under tomorrow’s rug until we can’t anymore. Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin really meant. That knowing is better than wondering, that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure, even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying. "


Never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today.

Lies are keeping us alive.

How we're going to survive? I don't even know if this situation leads to an end to be survived.
We'll be destroyed. That's the only fat big truth to be understood.
And your lies are the only way to make it last a bit longer.
Once again we're trapped in a game. There is no exit and there is no chance. Everyone will loose, everything will be lost. Nothing left to save, no one left to survive. We're trapped by the lies that you say. Running in that same old cycle for the 3rd time. But this time, no one will survive.


Better run for cover 
You're a hurricane full of lies 
And the way you're heading 
No one's getting out alive 

So do us all a favor 
Would you find somebody else to blame 
'Cause your words are like bullets and I'm the way your weapons aim
No more excuses 
No more running 
Only God can save you now 
(God can save you now) 
'Cause I know the truth 
Time is running out 

And I'm just one drink away 
And I'm back in Wonderland like it was yesterday 
And you get to hear me say, "Who gets the last" 
"Who gets the last" 
"Who gets the last laugh now" 

Scream

As you lie silently beside me choking back your tears
I wonder if you recognize
That silence now defines us
Desperately I try to fight this overwhelming sense
That I may never find
The strength to change
How hopeless we've become

And every time that I touch you
You feel so far away
And every time that you need me
I feel so far away

We need to find a way to break this silence
We need to find a way to break this silence
(That's between us)
So I scream your name

Chasing Tails

We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
***
Tell me you love me,come back and haunt me,
Oh, when I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing tails
coming back as we are.

things beginning, things coming to an end

"Gölgeler gibi sürükleniriz günden geceye, geceden güne, konaklayabileceğimiz düşlerin peşinde..."  - Aslı Erdoğan

"Güzel geleceği bekleyerek görkemli gençliklerimizi eskitiyorduk." - Andre Gide

Stresten uyuyamamak böyle bir şey işte... Küçüklüğün karne stresinden eser yok artık, yerlerini apayrı korkular almış, hem de bana hiç fark ettirmeden.

Ne ara değişti bu kadar korkularım? O bacak kadar boyumla karnemde 1 olmasına korktuğum günler, ödev yapmadığımı bilerek yatağa yattığım akşamlarda yaşadığım karın ağrıları nereye kayboldu?

Keşke bu kadar kolay olsaydı...

Yarın bir yılın daha sonu, ama benim için çok daha önemli şeylerin başlangıcı belkide...
Ve yarın biten şey sadece okulum olmayacak; uzun zamandır olmayan bazı şeylerin yokluğunu, başlayan tatille fark edicem galiba...
Hatta bazınız tatilin orta yerinde ayrılacaksınız yanımdan. Çok daha uzaklara...

Olsun...
" Belki aşk sevgiliyi kazanmayı değil, onda kendini kaybetmeyi gerektirir." - Elif Şafak

Ben bulamıyorum o eski kızı; buralarda gördünüz mü hiç?
Galiba çoktan gitmiş...

az biraz, çok biraz ve biraz bazen, biraz sen, bazen sen

Bunca yıldır çözmeye çalıştığım, çalıştığımız; aramızda ne tartışmalara, şiirlere* konu olmuş bu dengesizlik durumlarının Psikolojideki terimini nihayet öğrendik!

Öğrendik diyorum çünkü; benim öğrenmeme Prof. S. ve kendisinin nacizane Psikoloji Öğretmeni yardımcı oldular. Kendilerine, bilgi havuzuma yaptıkları bu engin katkıdan dolayı teşekkürlerimi iletmek istiyorum. Sağ olun, vağrolun!

Peki; ne mi bu dengesizlik durumunun gerçek adı?

BİPOLAR BOZUKLUK.
Yani Manik Depresif Psikoz.

Bende yoktur deyip geçmeyin derim ben, bir göz atın şu belirtilere:

• Sinirli olma,
• Aşırı öfke ya da neşe durumları,
• Her zamankinden farklı davranışların bulunduğu dönemler,
• Enerji ve aktivitenin artması,
• Cinsel ilginin artması,
• Madde kullanımı, özellikle alkol, uyku ilaçları ve kokain
• Kilo alımı ya da kilo kaybı,
• Yerinde duramama,
• Konsantrasyon ve karar vermede güçlük...

Ne dersiniz?
Bence; az biraz ya da çok biraz uydu sanki dimi?



*"... EVET! Adeta zar atarak her gün belirlediği duygularını öğrenmek aylarımı aldı, olasılıklara, mucizelere inandım ..." -Prof. S.

 I can tell the future to fuck off ! 

Niye hep böyle olmak zorunda ki?
Biliyodum...
Evet, biliyodum.
Evet biliyodum; çünkü söylemiştin.
Çok soğukkanlıydım.
Şimdi ne oldu peki?
Bende bilmiyorum...
Şu beyaz ekranda,
Siyah kutucukların oluşturduğu yazı canımı acıttı.

Dün kaybettim soğukkanlılığımı.
Nereye gitti bilmiyorum.
O varken her şey daha kolaydı.
"Her şey geçer, boşver..." diyebiliyordum.
Kayboldu şimdi...
Geriye sadece bu sevimsiz siyah kutucuklar kaldı.
(Senin için mutluyum ama... Sakın yanlış anlama)

Bir Adın Kalmalı

bir adın kalmalı geriye
bütün kırılmış şeylerin nihayetinde
aynaların ardında sır
yalnızlığın peşinde kuvvet
evet nihayet
bir adın kalmalı geriye
bir de o kahreden gurbet

sen say ki
ben hiç ağlamadım
hiç ateşe tutmadım yüreğimi
geceleri, koynuma almadım ihaneti
ve say ki
bütün şiirler gözlerini
bütün şarkılar saçlarını söylemedi
hele nihavent
hele buselik hiç geçmedi fikrimden
ve hiç gitmedi
bir topak kan gibi adın
içimin nehirlerinden
evet yangın
evet salaş yalvarmanın korkusunda talan
evet kaybetmenin o zehirli buğusu
evet nisyan
evet kahrolmuş sayfaların arasında adın
sokaklar dolusu bir adamın yalnızlığı
bu sevda biraz nadan
biraz da hıçkırık tadı
pencere önü menekşelerinde her akşam

dağlar sonra oynadı yerinden
ve hallaçlar attı pamuğu fütursuzca
sen say ki
yerin dibine geçti
geçmeyesi sevdam
ve ben seni sevdiğim zaman
bu şehre yağmurlar yağdı
yani ben seni sevdiğim zaman
ayrılık kurşun kadar ağır
gülüşün kadar felaketiydi yaşamanın
yine de bir adın kalmalı geriye
bütün kırılmış şeylerin nihayetinde
aynaların ardında sır
yalnızlığın peşinde kuvvet
evet nihayet
bir adın kalmalı geriye
bir de o kahreden gurbet
beni affet
Kaybetmek için erken, sevmek için çok geç

Ahmet Hamdi Tanpınar

Fuck Sundays!

Neden çok işimin olduğu şu pazar günleri; en yorgun, bitkin ve mayışık olduğum günler olmak zorunda ki ?
Ve neden şu pazar günlerinde; çalışmaya hevesli, enerjik ve uyanık olamıyorum ki?
Hemen arkasında "sabahın 7'sinde uyanıp okula gidilmesi gereken bir Pazartesi" olmasaydı belki her şey farklı olabilirdi...

Her neyse 1 sene daha bitti zaten öyle ya da böyle...
Son 1 sene daha kaldı geriye katlanılacak. Sonrası ne kadar bulanık olsada, liseyi bitirmek istiyorum artık.

Son bir quiz/sınav kaldı geriye. Hem de karnedeki o sevimsiz 2'lerden birini 3'e dönüştürebilecek bir quiz var önümde... Yarından sonra benim için yaz tatili başlamış demektir. Hepinize iyi yazlar şimdiden ;)

(Pazar, seni hala sevmiyorum. Hemen sevinme.)

Oh la la!, Reysi tarafından Marc Jacobs shoes ile yaratıldı

Just for fun

What website do you spend the most time on?
- Facebook, Blogger, Weheartit
If you could become any fictional character, who would you be?
- Alice from Alice in Wonderland
How would you describe your style?
- Reflection
Where would you like to spend your retirement?
- Paris would be great
If you could eat dinner with any person, dead or alive, who would it be and where would you go?
- With Salvador Dali at my houses' balcony
What do you think was the greatest invention in your lifetime?
- Computers!
If you could ask God one question what would it be?
- I would say : "What the hell are you trying to do!?"
What one thing are you exceptionally bad at?
- Multiplication table!
What's the oldest piece of clothing you still own and wear?
- My short with the print of colorful crocodiles!
Who was the best teacher you've ever had?
- First grade teachers are always legendary; so I would choose: "Mrs. Çelebi"
What's the best gift you've ever given?
- A box full of chocolates! :)
What's your favorite genre of music?
- Rock
Who do you think should be the next president of the United States?
- Borat! :))
If you won a $1,000 shopping spree for any store, which store you would pick?
- Urban Outfitters
If you could be a star athlete in any sport, which sport would you pick?
- Figure Skating
Whats your favorite drink?
- Strawberry Smoothie
What do you think is the best way to defeat terrorism?
- Playing "Love is All You Need" by Beatles in every station in radios and TV's. So every one would be brain-washed! :))
Do you believe in faith?
- Absofuckinglutely!
If you could master one skill what would it be?
- Drawing
If you could chance one thing that happened last year what would it be?
- Instead of spending whole summer doing nothing, I would continue working...
Would you get up early or sleep late?
- Sleep late as I always do
What's the most delicious meal you've ever had?
- The Iskender Kebab I've eaten in Bursa was marvelous!
What are you most excited about right now?
- My Turkish Literature grade :S
If you could look like anybody, who would it be?
- Miranda Kerr, without a doubt!
What music are you listening to today?
- John Mayer, Gravity
If you could be invited to one person's birthday party, whose would it be?
- Teoman's would be great
What's the best place near you to get a drink?
- Kitchen is the nearest :)
Do you believe in luck?
- Yes, but I don't have enough!
What do you think is your most attractive feature?
- Lips
What was your favorite year?
- 2000
If you could instantly become an expert at one style of dance, what style would you pick?
- Tango
What's the secret to happiness?
- Your own thoughts! ;)
Do you consider yourself a good dancer?
- Not really
Would you rather swim in a pool or in ocean?
- Ocean ofcourse!
Would you rather be rick or famous?
- Rich
How many languages do you speak?
-Two and a half :)) (English, Turkish, a quarter of Spanish & a quarter of Hebrew)
If you could have an endless supply od any food, what would you get?
- Chocolate
Who is the sexiest woman alive?
- Umm Miranda Kerr or Adriana Lima... Can't decide.
What's your favorite season of the year?
- If there wasn't school, it's winter.
Who inspires you the most?
- Life :)
What was the last book you read?
- Ernest Hemingway, A Moveable Feast
What was your favorite movie as a child?
- Grinch :)
.......

Television is a drug. from Beth Fulton on Vimeo.

the ugly truth no.2

No more
The crap rolls out your mouth again
Haven't changed, your brain is still gelatin
Little whispers circle around your head
Why don't you worry about yourself instead?

Who are you? Where ya been? Where ya from?
Gossip burning on the tip of your tongue
You lie so much you believe yourself
Judge not lest ye be judged yourself

pardon sizi birine benzettim

geçmiş yıllardan

yemin ederim azcık içtim,

bu halim doğuştan.

şampiyonum sanırken

diskalifiye olduğumdan.

*

her maske bir şey söyler

nefretler, sevgiler
bırak artık

sevmiyorsan eğer

*

daha gerçek yalanların,

doğrularından

o yüzden boğuluyoruz

bir bardak suda fırtınadan.

zaman beni,

ben zamanı öldürüyorken

tuttum nefesimi atmaya

seni beynimden.

*

hem zaten

her zaman kaybettik

sen ve ben

*

parti bitmiş, herkes gitmiş,
dava düşmüş, konu kapanmış.

Stu'dreaming' instead of stu'dying'

Romeo & Juliet

Kulaklarım patlıyor sessizliğinden!

"I'm looking upon the floor 

I'm trying to sing a song

In a language I don't speak 

I try but I cant get through 

I'm trying to get to you 

But you're difficult to reach 

Won't you talk to me?

Let's talk, let's talk..." - Coldplay

Do you ?

I've spent my whole Saturday at home, drawing and coloring.
It was incredibly relaxing and fun :)

Unforunately now I should start studying. And then just continue to study, study, study, study...

This is the only thing on my mind when I wake up every Sunday morning.
I missed those peaceful Sundays. When I used to have breakfast with my parents and go out until the afternoon... When my homeworks were easy enough that I could finish them in two hours...

Last month until the summer break...
But these last days are so freaking busy, that I can prefer to die!

Uyusam mı artık?

Nice song, nice video... Enjoy :)

Sun been down for days
A pretty flower in a vase
A slipper by the fireplace
A cello lying in its case

Soon she's down the stairs
Her morning elegance she wears
The sound of water makes her dream
Awoken by a cloud of steam
She pours a daydream in a cup
A spoon of sugar sweetens up

And She fights for her life
As she puts on her coat
And she fights for her life on the train
She looks at the rain
As it pours
And she fights for her life
As she goes in a store
With a thought she has caught
By a thread
She pays for the bread
And She goes...
Nobody knows

Sun been down for days
A winter melody she plays
The thunder makes her contemplate
She hears a noise behind the gate
Perhaps a letter with a dove
Perhaps a stranger she could love

And She fights for her life
As she puts on her coat
And she fights for her life on the train
She looks at the rain
As it pours
And she fights for her life
As she goes in a store
With a thought she has caught
By a thread
She pays for the bread
And She goes...
Nobody knows

And She fights for her life
As she puts on her coat
And she fights for her life on the train
She looks at the rain
As it pours
And she fights for her life
Where people are pleasently strange
And counting the change
And She goes...
Nobody knows

New York, New York...

New York Times: Turkish Edition from Quba Michalski on Vimeo.

Güzel reklammış, ilk defa gördüm...

You think?

" Paranoia is a thought process heavily influenced by anxiety or fear, often to the point of irrationality and delusion. " - Wikipedia

You think that I'm paranoiac...
So, did you ever thought 'why'?

Because; I get curious when you are chilly.
Cause I still remember the last time when you became chilly. And maybe I'm afraid of seeing the same 'The End' writing which once appeared all of a sudden...
Actually it's not a 'maybe'. Yes, I'm scared.

I'm scared. But it doesn't mean that I don't trust you.
It may seem contrary; but after looking at the description of paranoia, I figured out how they were related.

Things happened in those days don't irritate me no longer. But i cannot control my brain, those thoughts which are stuck in my subconscious, flitting in my mind. I can't sweep them off. They're just gnawing my mind, making me nervous; even if I know they are bullshit.

Do you understand?
I'm really sorry of my bullshit thoughts, but there is nothing that I can do about them.
There's only one thing that I know for sure; I love you.

Staring Girl

I once knew a girl
who would just stand there and stare.
At anyone or anything,
she seemed not to care

She’d stare at the ground,

She’d stare at the sky.

She’d stare at you for hours,
and you’d never know why.

But after winning the local staring contest,

she finally gave her eyes
a well-deserved rest.

Lunatic, Poetic!

Way out in the water,
Did you see
A swimming mind?

I want to slaughter
But then I disagree
I keep kind;
Until I find
Where is my mind.

Nothing left behind
To take under guarantee
Did you see?

Help me find,
I lost my mind.

Lemon tree,
answer me
Where is my mind?

Aklım 5 karış havada...

"Gravity, stay the hell away from me!"- John Mayer

Sınav haftasında böyle bi durumda olmam hiç iyi değil hem de hiç!
İlk haftadan temiz 1lerle çıktım.
Biliyorum, toparlamalıyım kendimi ama olmuyor, olmuyoor!
Beni bu güzel havalar mahvetti... Hemde çok fena.
Dışarı çıkmak istiyorum, ama çıkarsam yaşayacağım pişmanlığı düşünüp vaz geçiyorum.
Kitaplarımı açıyorum, kendimi zorla önüne oturtturuyorum. Pencereden yansıyan güneş ışığı, öten kuşlar falan hepsi senkronize olmuş gibiler...
Gözüm dışarıda, öyle dalıp gidiyorum...
Uyanıyorum. Saat 8'e 10 var.
Eee yemek saatine gelmiş zaten; en iyisi kalkıp yemek yemek diyorum.
Yemek sonrası yine başındayım derslerin. Ya da blogun mu desem, hiç yalan söylemeden.
Her koyun kendi bacağından asılır madem. Bunların acısı çıkacak bi şekilde ama hadi bakalım!

Yarın Geometri,
Perşembe Tarih,
Cuma Sosyoloji.
(kısa bi haftasonu bi zahmet!)
Pazartesi İnkılap. . .

çok korkunç...

Ouch! A paper cut.

A drop of blood

Stood out

On a paper 

Blank.

Ouch!

It hurts so much

And I lost trust 

On the things suddenly frost

A drop of blood

Drags through the mud

While, tearing down

My smile to a frown

Ouch!

Aching, only when I touch

You know as such;

Paper cuts hurt so much

Whenever I touch

I shout:
Ouch!

Nobody knows where they might end up
Nobody knows...
Nobody knows where they might wake up
Nobody knows...

Lomo Love!

Can't concentrate on the things that I should.
Instead, my new Lomography Diana F+ is in my hands and I'm taking photos randomly. Can't drop it off.
I think, I feel in love with my new camera.


Wish me luck so I'll over come these 3 weeks in front of me safely and happily; because I'm entering to the second exam week of this semester.

See youuu!

Why so serious?

Yeah, I know that we -womans- are not the simplest creatures in the world. But no need to take it so seriously as it was a complex problem. At least it's not monotone like your system of living, feeling and every other thing; it has a lot of different possibilities.
I ask once again after Joker: " Why so serious? "

Love you! :)

Waltz #2 - Elliott Smith

Sounds of laughter shades of life
are ringing through my open ears
exciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which
shines around me like a million suns
It calls me on and on across the universe

SOS! Stuck in Texas.

Dear volcano, thank you for choosing the worst time to explode!
I'm stuck in Texas/Houston for one more week.
And dear KLM Airlines, thank you for your useless help!

"Houston, we have a problem!"

"If you ever go to Houston
Better walk right
Keep your hands in your pockets
And your gun-belt tight
You'll be asking for trouble
If you're lookin' for a fight
If you ever go to Houston
Boy, you better walk right" - Bob Dylan

Texas'ta uyumadan önce, İstanbul Günaydın! :)

Oldukça fazla özledim. Amerika bana yetti, geri dönsem artık?

Time to sleep... İyi geceleeeer herkese! Ya da günaydın mı demeliydim?

17 Nisan 22:48, Texas

Rush until the end

A never ending rush chasing us
and we're riding
until we reach the finish line

Where; this race will end
When we face
And say
"All we did was pretend"

A simple lie,
Can be the best reason
To hold on and go ahead

Rush!
And cloak your eyes
You'll never see the truth of a million lies.

Crush!
Open your eyes,
It's the end, the finish line, where everyone dies.

(Photo: Taken by me in the Second-hand Bazaar,Şişli)

Like A Dead China Doll

"She appears composed, so she is, I suppose
who can really tell
she shows no emotion at all
stares into space like a dead china doll...
...tell Mr. Man with impossible plans to just leave me alone
in the place where I make no mistakes
in the place where I have what it takes" - Elliot Smith

İstiyoruuum!

 İşte uzun zamandır, her gün bakıp iç geçirdiğim fotoğraf makineleri...

Biliyorum bi gün benim olacaksınız! :)

Sağdaki: CANON AE-1 ( http://urun.gittigidiyor.com/Canon-AE-1-KUSURSUZ_W0QQidZZ25525246 )

Soldaki:LOMO DIANA F+  ( http://urun.gittigidiyor.com/LOMO-DIANA-F-FLASHLI-FOTOGRAF-RUYA-MAKINESI_W0QQidZZ26101185 )

Spring Time!

"Her dalganın çekilişindeki güzellik kendisinden öncekinin çekilişine borçludur; her çiçek kendi meyvası uğrunda solmak zorundadır; meyva da düşmedikçe, ölmedikçe, yeni çiçekleri sağlayamaz. Bahar bile kışın yasından hız alır." 

Andre Gide

Bahar geldiğinde mi ben böyle olurum
Yoksa böyle olduğumda mı gelir bahar
Ayrıca bunun seninle ne ilgisi var
Tabiki ben böyle oldugum için bahar
Çünkü sana değdiğinden beri ellerim
Bütün kış dallarında tomurcuklar var - Candan Erçetin

Ne ekmek, ne de su
Sensizlik korkusu
İstemem yeterki sen
Yanımda ol yeter


Teoman - Ne Ekmek Ne de Su
Yükleyen sayit. - Öne çıkan müzik videolarını izleyin.

I really don't know what to do...
And it makes me feel timid, puzzled, slaphappy and ofcourse; in love.
But I wonder; is it better to just let go and throw it to the winds?
However, time is running swiftly... And every second, like an internal diseases, gnawing me...
I ask to myself: "Where is the horizon?"
When the earth and sky will be separated mercilessly? When the evil horizon going to tear them apart?
Until we get to that day, I'm here...

But as I said before; I don't know what to do. From now on, it's your mission to help me :)
I would say "I love you" but; I cannot name the feeling that I have. At least I know, It's not like anything else...

Good night Istanbul! (Tonight, like most of your Saturday nights, you're incredibly alive. I can clearly hear you breathing, singing, walking, running, dancing, laughing, crying, talking, kissing, shouting and slowly dying...)

Labyrinth

Infinite silence becloud me...I feel weird when I'm the only one awake in the whole house. And everyone else is sleeping in deafening voices of dusts, running around. But they can only be seen under the sun light.
Did all the dogs died? And did all the corvines met to celebrate the death of all the dogs? Where are they? This darkness is theirs. Not mine... But now I'm alone, in my own house, in my own room, in my own box, in my own labyrinth. It's dark, silent, scary; but can't deny it: it's comforting.

Labyrinth
That I've built
Trapped me in it

Labyrinth,
I once built,
To trap the fools
Who tried to come in.

Damn it!
Labyrinth
Trapped me in it