What would she think of me now?"
- Sylvia Plath
on 19 Kasım 2015
I was a girl when we first met, innocent and untouched, full of love and laughter and lightness. Sheltered. I didn’t know anything about the world, or the difference between making love and fucking.
I knew you were the one because I showed you every part of me, even the ugly, needy parts – and you loved me still. I wish I had been wise enough to recognize it was the honesty between us that was the real intimacy, not just the fumbling, pubescent way we taught each other to make love.
That is what everyone wants at any age. Understanding. But youth does not allow for such wisdom.
I crave the simple intimacy we shared when I was that clueless, young girl, and to feel it now as a woman who possesses a deeper awareness. I burn for the raw honesty we created together when my young heart was incapable of appreciating it. Then, I felt it, but couldn’t name it. Now I can.
Now, I want you because I have the ability to savour you and all that you give me unconditionally; to feed it, nurture it and give it the attention it deserves. I want to make love to you and fuck you, now that I know the difference between the two. I want to bleed my heart and soul open to you, to give to you now what I was not capable of then because I didn't possess it yet. I want to give to you with an open heart that knows love and loss.
I want you to uncover the passion in me, simmering under the surface, that only you are able to reach; to discover the soul of the woman I am now, with the honesty and truth we had as young teenagers in love.
I knew you were the one because I showed you every part of me, even the ugly, needy parts – and you loved me still. I wish I had been wise enough to recognize it was the honesty between us that was the real intimacy, not just the fumbling, pubescent way we taught each other to make love.
That is what everyone wants at any age. Understanding. But youth does not allow for such wisdom.
I crave the simple intimacy we shared when I was that clueless, young girl, and to feel it now as a woman who possesses a deeper awareness. I burn for the raw honesty we created together when my young heart was incapable of appreciating it. Then, I felt it, but couldn’t name it. Now I can.
Now, I want you because I have the ability to savour you and all that you give me unconditionally; to feed it, nurture it and give it the attention it deserves. I want to make love to you and fuck you, now that I know the difference between the two. I want to bleed my heart and soul open to you, to give to you now what I was not capable of then because I didn't possess it yet. I want to give to you with an open heart that knows love and loss.
I want you to uncover the passion in me, simmering under the surface, that only you are able to reach; to discover the soul of the woman I am now, with the honesty and truth we had as young teenagers in love.
on 17 Kasım 2015
Across from me, on the bus this afternoon
A girl of age ninety, eyes of blue
Peering out from a body changed too soon
I saw the girl so charming in her youth
Her hat reveals a woman of taste
Now just to get off this bus is a torturous fate
She'll slowly make the way back to her place
An apartment where no one awaits
Blue eyes unchanged
The body aged
Blue eyes you are my last witnesses now
Blue eyes unchanged
The body aged
Blue eyes tell me what you wanted to be
When you grew up
Listen to your soul
on 10 Kasım 2015
“Whenever you do something that is not aligned with the yearning or your soul—you create suffering.”
You can remove the pictures from your camera.
You can untag yourself from their pictures on social media.
You can unfriend them, delete their contact info and tell your friends and family to please not ask about them, but you can’t dig that seed out of the pit of your stomach.
Their smile will be burned into your eyes the same way their laugh will ring through your chest.
You can try your hardest to forget, but something will always trigger a memory, and usually when you’re not expecting-or prepared-for it.
Your favourite things will be ruined after hearing them again paints the picture of lying together and sharing all the things that make us who we are.
You’ll find yourself awake at night, staring blankly into ceiling even though you have to be up at six AM.
And it won’t change.
You can untag yourself from their pictures on social media.
You can unfriend them, delete their contact info and tell your friends and family to please not ask about them, but you can’t dig that seed out of the pit of your stomach.
Their smile will be burned into your eyes the same way their laugh will ring through your chest.
You can try your hardest to forget, but something will always trigger a memory, and usually when you’re not expecting-or prepared-for it.
Your favourite things will be ruined after hearing them again paints the picture of lying together and sharing all the things that make us who we are.
You’ll find yourself awake at night, staring blankly into ceiling even though you have to be up at six AM.
And it won’t change.
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